The MONSTROUS Mary Sues!
by Wasabikitty10
Summary: We need a defense plan," Said the cook. Why did he say this? Well, he had just been bitten by a raging homicidal Sue. I'm writing this when I'm too stupid to write cool fanfics. A bit of language, but nothing too bad. I made one catagory tradgedy. Oops.
1. Rhombicosidodecahedron!

AN: This is my random present to StawberryxXxKitty-san! (Yes, I know I kill her username whenever I try to type it. That's just how I am.) She asked for a Mary-sue parody... and here one is.

THE MONSTROUS MARY SUES!!

Chapter One.

Luffy lay on the deck, staring at the sun.

"Luffy, that's bad for your eyes." Remarked Sanji.

"Cool. Like, totally, dude." Replied Luffy.

"Oh, our fanfic has reached the boring stage where we do nothing."

"Yup. Totally. Like, dude."

"..."

All of a sudden there was the inevitible cry for help.

--Insert lousy rescue scene right here--

"Hey, stranger! Are you all right?!"

The stranger threw back their wet hood, because for some reason they had been wearing a hoodie on the middle of a warm day while drowning. Suprisingly, or perhaps, not so suprisingly, her face was composed of delicate, beautiful features and she had smoldering silver eyes.

"Ooh! My fair lady!" Sanji ws very happy with this development, and watched in spellbound amazement as the girl completely removed her robe, leaving her in a white bikini and long white boots. "Oooooh!" The chef was acting like a seven year old who had just woken up on Christmas.

"My name is Andrealisbethjerriloonaprettygoddessofloveamora, but you can call me Raevyn." Said the girl, her ankle legnth, violet hair swirling becomingly about her beautiful angelic features.

Luffy sat up, and yawned. "Do you have any steak?"

"...What?" The young woman seemed taken aback. She placed one slim hand upon her copious bosom, and looked at Luffy with a slightly comfused, hurt look on her innocent face.

"Do you have any steak."

"I... don't understand..." Raevyn slunk away from Sanji and stood by Luffy, leaning over and putting her face up next to his face. The scent of roses and lillies wafted from her hair, and a single tear rolled down her imaculate cheek.

"Do. You. Have. Any. STEAK?!"

"Why are you yelling? I... must have hurt your feelings..."

"Actually, no..." Luffy was very confused.

"MY FEELINGS COULD NEVER BE HURT AROUND YOU!!" Guess which Strawhat said that and I'll take you off my list of idiots.

The maiden pulled away from Luffy slightly, and sighed. "I want to join this crew."

"Hell no!" That came from Nami, who was deeply pissed off at the perfect looking intruder.

"Wh-why do you all hate me...?"

"Because you can't do anything useful."

"...I can too! Let me fight!"

Sanji giggled insanely and said, "I'LL FIGHT YOU!"

"Oh, Sanji... of course..." Raevyn jumped in the air and went flying at Sanji, who panicked and kicked at her in reflex before his "MUST NOT HURT LADY" instincts kicked in. Suprisingly, the blow only bruised his foot as he cried out in pain and collapsed to the deck, clutching at his foot. The girl pulled out a long, slim dagger and held it to Sanji's throat, whispering, "I thought you wanted to fight...?"

The blonde dizzily kicked the knife from her hand, but she punched him in the face, the angelic innocent look on her face replaced by a glare that was purely predatory and blood thirsty. The girl was about to make a little, "If that wasn't good enough to let me join, you must be superhuman." speech, but she could not resist. Raevyn turned her face towards Sanji and began to lick his neck, which everyone else saw as a disgusting come on, but Sanji could feel her razor sharp teeth. Her violet hair swirled around them as she bit down on...

Air.

Sanji was crouched a few feet away, screaming bloody murder.

Raevyn was about to finish him off, having lost all control of acting like a human, but found herself pinned down by Zoro, Nami, Usopp, and Luffy all at the same time. "We need to talk, Raevyn."

"Firstly. Your not really named Raevyn, are you...?"

"N-n-noooo, I'm..." She hesitated, the look on her face impossibly pitiful. Usopp began to release his hold, and Zoro was tempted to follow, but Nami slapped them both. "You were saying, girl?"

"M-m-mary S-s-sue number eighty three point oh-two."

The Strawhats exchanged glances, before sighing. "That's the fith one this week." Usopp said quietly.

Zoro shuddered. "They all look so normal, until you actually talk to them..." As they spoke about how frightening Mary Sues were, they released their grip on Number Eighty Three point oh-two. She jumped forward, screaming, "Nooo! I MUST JOIN THE CREW!" And bit Sanji's neck. She was about to drink his blood, but Zoro sliced off her head in silence. Her blood was a silky silver violet stream that smelled like roses. Sanji winced as it hit his face.

"Zoro! I was going to kill this one!"

Sanji blinked, as the world was going out of focus. "Hey, guys? I think, this one was, venemous..."

"Aw crap!" They quickly injected him with some text-antibodies, which came from an excellent book known as Shonen Jump Magazine. In a few moments, he was feeling normal again.

"Now, everyone except for Usopp has been bit at least once..."

"No one bit Luffy!"

"Actually..." Zoro read off of a list. "The first one, months ago, wanted Luffy. He's only had three since then. Sanji has had a ton, about ten went after him, and I've been bit..." He stared into space, calculating. "Seventy times."

-Stunned silence-

"And there have been a total of five Gary Stus that wanted Nami."

-More of that stunned silence-

It was the bandaged chef that broke the silence. "We need a defense system, other than one shows up and we wait till she does something Mary-Sueish."

Everyone nodded and got to work.

END.

AN: I just wrote this because my brain is too dang fried to work on Sanji's Troubles. Sorry, peeps. This is what I'll work on when I feel stupidatefiezzled.


	2. Osmosis!

Marysue numbah two(hey! That rhymes!)

"Ok. Let's see. The next time we see a pretty young girl, we kill her!" suggested Zoro, grinning.

Sanji, rather than reply, attempted to decaptitate the swordsman.

"...Scratch that."

"I liked his idea, Nami!" Luffy also faced near decapitation.

Before they could get into a really big fight and reach happiness, a hand clung to the bow of the ship. It looked fair and somewhat delicate...

"GUM GUM PISTOL!" Luffy punched the hand and giggled as the person fell in the water.

"OI! WHO THE HELL JUST DID THAT!" The voice of the person was most definetely male.

"Me! And I'll do it again if you come up here aga- oh, you're not a Mary Sue!"

"What the hell?"

"Oh, Ace, it's you."

"The hell is that supposed to mean?!"

Nami asked, confusedly, "Why does he keep sayin' hell?"

"I don't know. He must be traumatized." Luffy said wisely.

Ace pulled himself on to the ship, cradling one hand. "You're right as hell. I am traumatized."

"What happened to you this time?"

"I was hiding from my multiple fangirls, and all of a sudden this girl who was as pretty and ridiculously perfect as hell showed up and started trying to make out with me. SO I jumped in the ocean and swam here."

"Wait. Where on land was this?"

"I don't know. Hella far to swim to your boat, though."

"Hmm. I HAVE A PLAN!" Sanji screamed.

"The hell are you screaming about?" Ace asked, confused.

"I'll tell you if you put on this straightjacket and let me tie you up."

"Ok! Put the ropes on! Put the jacket on! No matter how bad it is, I'll feel like hell if you don't tell me your plan!"

Once Ace was tied up and put in an iron cage that had materialized out of thin air, Sanji spoke one word, pointing to the caged dude.

"Bait."

"THE BLOODY HELL?!"

"We wait for one to come and bite you, then when she goes in the cage, we slam the door shut."

"Good plan, Sanji!" said the crew.

"But... then won't I be TRAPPED in here WITH the monsters?! THE HELL THIS PLAN IS BAD!"

"Well, we'll put flowers on your grave after you die."

"Noooo! I DON'T WANNA DIE! LIKE HELL, LET ME GO! NOOOOOOOO! DAMMIT!"

Nobody listened.

END.


	3. Anaphase!

MARYSUE NUMBER THREE!

"Nooooo! DAMMIT LUFFY GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE ALREADY!"

"Ok!" The boy had almost untied his brother before Nami yelled at him, "ARE YOU CRAZY, LUFFY?! You can't let our bait go!"

"I AM NOT YOUR HELLING BAIT!"

"He's inventing new ways to use the word Hell! He must be traumatized!" said Chopper, who had fallen from the sky just a second or two ago.

"We noticed, furball!" The person who said this was...

THE HIGGLYTOWN HEROES!

"Noooo! This fanfic is messed up!" Everyone cowered from the nesting doll/human?/mutant/freaks in front of them.

"Nooo! This fanfic is hellificated!"

"Nooooooooooooooo!"

The HIGGLYTOWN HEROES vanished into a plot hole, to the relief of everyone.

"Alright! Back to the plot!"

"Nooooo! NOT THE HELL-CRAP PLOT!"

"Shut up, Ace!"

"The plan will work. We just need a Mary Sue to show up!"

(Many hours later)

"Ok. This plan sucks. Let's use a new one."

"YEAH! HELL YEAH!" Ace boogied as well as you can boogie in a straightjacket.

At that moment, a voluptous blonde fell from the sky. "Oh... Where am I? Who are you?"

"NO! NO! HELL NO!"

The Strawhats ran and hid, cowering. The blonde girl noticed Ace in the cage and licked her lips.

"I'm Aleya, Vivi's secret cousin's secret twin's secret cat's secret last owner's secret neighbor's secret third cousin in secret law!"

"I'm not Ace. I just look a hell of a lot like him!" Ace yelled desperately.

"Oh. Sorry to bother you." The Mary Sue turned to go before stiffening. "You tricked me!"

"Noooooo! Noooooooooooo! DON'T LET IT EAT ME!"

She approached, eyes aflame with hunger, when...

The whole scene froze.

Nothing was moving, except for a girl with frizzy curly demented hair and her faithful reviewer, xXStrawberryKittyXx, and the now-scarred-for-life Ace.

"OMG! IT'S ACE!"

"Yes, my friend. Now calm down."

"I HAVE TO SAVE HIM FROM THAT EVIL SUE!"

"Yes. Now, here. Take this spork. Kill her creatively while I write Ace out of the straightjacket."

(insert graphic spork-murder here)

Wasabikitty10 cheerfully finished punctuting her sentence before smiling evily, as Ace's jacket turned into a piano and fell off of him. "Hey, xXStrawberrykittyXx?"

"Yes?" The girl was chewing upon the spork, the headless body of Aleya beside her.

"We need to get revenge for Ace."

"YES!"

"Let's use the Strawhats as bait!"

"Yes! YES!" The two demented people drooled at the thought of violence. Ok, WK drooled, her friend was much more normal. (sigh)

"It was Sanji's idea, right? And Luffy punched Ace... yes, Sanji and Luffy will be our new bait. You can go give Ace constructive therapy now. I'll stick around and film Luffy and Sanji suffering."

And all was well with the world.

Almost.

END.

AN: Next chapter coming after I do some homework. :P

Poor Ace! I'm not really an Ace fangirl, but... :D


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